(part two)

dear friend,
whilst downtrodden and hopeless i turned to you,
and in my darkness you made light.
and dear, you're right. we made it to the other side.
you are a breath of air when comfort is hard to find.
and dear, I thank you for you.
pushing through existence, once lonesome creature,
you remind me who you are.
and dear, your kindness feels gifting.
growth is slow, and yet you define composure,
and dear, your heart is within me.

happiness

...feels like melted chocolate on my lips. like vanilla-bean skies and sweet honey scents. like salty kisses in the summer. and cool rainy nights in May. like my grandmother's voice. my uncle playing guitar. like piano keys beneath my fingers. like lasting friendships. like lingering hugs. like losing weight. like a clean face. like fuzzy cats. and watercolor paintings. and trimmed nails. and especially like babies cooing. scented candles. and jasmine tea. and Persian food. and band rehearsal. and deserted tropical beaches. and Spanish. and chanted prayers. and prostrating in reverence. like defining moments. and life-saving moments. and captured moments. documented moments. memorized prayers. and journal pages. and songs written. and Mom and Dad and Josh and Suth and Andrea and Charles. and good news. and health. and days. and laughter that makes your belly ache and pee trickle down the leg. happiness feels like a full moon on the skin. cowboy boots and ankle bracelets. like crushes. and daydreams. and night dreams. and me. and everything in between and beyond.

believe when i say...

life is beautiful. every which way directions. same body. different State (TN). this soul has changed a bit. tests = growth = peace. feels alien to be back. like time stood still while i traveled at incalculable speeds through a neutron star. disoriented is understatement. i bliss in uncertainty. my parents worry about me. i accept that they don't know my strength. there are those who may question. they don't know my determination. i am aligned to my calling. True Reliance, as He speaks of. there is no greater feeling than to be blessed like this.

as i pursue my true path in this life, the thought had crossed my mind once or twice. who this true mr. right will be.

dear future husband/lover/service partner/best friend,
meet me somewhere where i will recognize you. remember my name. and shout it loud enough that i may hear even through cacophonous sounds. and burn a fire bright and tall so that my eyes will not seize to find you. reveal yourself. but not so soon that i won't be ready for you. and not so late that i will forget you.
love,
juliet

in the meanwhile, i move. my dreamy path is leading me toward my true purpose in this earthly plane of existence. i spread to anyone who might lend the attentive ear, what He has blessed me with. and as creating lends itself to melodious song and tone, i will sing these for you. play them for us. for the ears of lovers and haters. the happy and miserable. the warrior and the defeated. and they will know what is in my heart and they will know my love for them.

leather bound book

i've always disliked moving. the act of moving. packing bags. boxing up belongings. this move's going to be big one. it's my first move completely solo. all the other times i was accompanied for the ins and outs. a partner. now, i am solo. solitude. different indeed. took a full year to acclimate. this move signifies the end of a defining chapter of my life. when i write my life's story, i will title this one last chapter Learning. and those who know will know the extent of what that means. the next chapter Follow My Dreams is one that is in draft form. it is still writing itself. i feel the creative engine churning though as if ready to be unleashed. my next goal, to become less owner of things. should make for light travel in the future. clear the mind. unfortunately for now, i pack. i cannot throw out enough. give away enough.

blissful angst

music is running through me. pulsating. i'm changing from day to day. moment to moment. a real case, i suppose. makes it hard to focus the feelings long enough to produce. i need to produce music and it frustrates me that i'm at a roadblock. i psych myself out, wig out a bit. i stop. step back from the keys. put the guitar down and walk away. this has been the pattern the last week. nothing turns me on like lisztomania & fences by phoenix, the reeling & little secrets by passion pit and pull my heart away by jack peñate, especially. i've grown incredibly fond on the artist. the fellow musician. every atom of my being is moved to make it. sing it. write it. create it. play it. it is me and i am it.

sometimes when i'm driving i give the player a rest and turn the radio on. a second chance, i guess you could call it (the radio let me down last time. in actuality, it has let me down every time. clockwork. lame music, empty sound. and they call that hip-hop? they don't know what hip-hop is. or they forgot. or where collectively brainwashed by crap for music. at best, living under a rock). my ears quickly bleed. i turn the radio off. it's back to the unknown gems, mainstream radio's loss. my infinite gain.

i'm neglecting the keys in the next room. they know it. they feel bad. i feel bad that they feel bad. i want to make them happy. i want them to make me happy. if i can give radio a second chance, we can most certainly can give each other a second chance. let's try this again, shall we?

last page

so this is the last stretch. the last leg of this 10 yr. journey. it's a time of mixed emotions. on the one hand, there's resignation and contentment. hope and aspiration. on the other, pits in the stomach. sleepless nights. it seems so archaic for lawyers to decide what's best for two people they know nothing about. two people who know each other better than that. unanswered phone calls. unreplied texts. ends back and forth. is there no common ground? feels like there is no ground at all. or at best, like we're standing on two different grounds. in two different countries. two different worlds. two different universes. let's make peace. let's make white flags. let's finalize. let's close. oh that unity might be had in some form, in whatever peculiar ways we can create. fair minds are terrible things to waste. balance is a terrible thing to ignore. moderation is a terrible thing to disapprove. God is there no end to the uncertainty? this is the most excruciating thing i've ever gone through. no walk in the park. relief comes in the form of antacids and chocolate. how i have hoped it would come in the form of a nod. a gesture. an agreement. a resolution. a hand shake. the ride has just gotten bumpier. i buckle up and prepare, but nothing i have done in my life up until now can adequately prepare me for this unknown journey. these uncertainties. i am at a loss. i pray and turn it over to God.

“I adjure Thee by Thy might, O my God! Let no harm beset me in times of tests, and in moments of heedlessness guide my steps aright through Thine inspiration. Thou art God, potent art Thou to do what Thou desirest. No one can withstand Thy Will or thwart Thy Purpose.”

~ The Báb

“The musician’s art is among those arts worthy of the highest praise, and it moveth the hearts of all who grieve.”

~ ‛Abdu’l-Bahá

absurd little list

1. coffee or tea (coffee in the morning or else i must brace myself for a big headache that can very well span the entire day)
2. morning or night (the night season is when it all happens. creativity creeps in and my body, mind, soul come alive. i am a new being at night. i am more myself here than any other part of the day. i am romance and the night is my companion)
3. sweet or salty (solid befuddlement. i have an enormous sweet tooth. so much so that i force myself to eat salty food in the interest of sweet's enhancement. deliciously sickening)
4. postcards or emails (emails make me giddy. but postcards are my heart. nothing comes close to the words of a friend, a loved one, written in their own hand, with an image for vicarious daydreaming)
5. best childhood television program (fraggle rock. scared the shit out of me, but i was obsessed with it)
6. collector of... (magazines, photos, greeting cards and gifts. anything sentimental is hard for me to throw out)
7. choice superpower (invisibility. the idea of observing people in their uninhibited and personal environments without them knowing is fascinating to me. sounds a bit stalkerish, i know...lol )
8. first thought this morning (what's the absolute latest i can sleep before i'm late for work? slept right up until about 10 mins. before it was time for work! what can i say, when the body speaks, i listen)
9. last thought before reading this (i'm so bored, and i really should be sleeping or reading but need to do something tedious to feel productive)
10. objects in your pocket (front right pocket: folded CVS pharmacy receipt for eye drops (allergies acting up again). back right pocket: iphone)
11. objects on your night table (rememberance of God prayer book, iphone charger, lamp, photo of mom & dad, pen, journal)
12. time. elaborate. (passing, fleeting, like a train i've missed. i'm always conjuring up ways to save time, make time, hold time. most of the time i simply end up wasting time)
13. worst memory (the last big fight i had with my ex)
14. best movie (shawshank redemption)
15. bad habit (procrastination & chocolate eating)
16. best habit (empathizing)
17. greatest accomplishment (surviving)
18. 3 long-term goals (MFA, make great music...oh yeah, and meet mr. right and start a family)
19. celebrity crush (john mayer)
20. 1 thing you've changed this year (how i feel about my hair. finally embraced the curls and accepted the mane)
21. first thing you notice (body language. i find the way a person carries themselves to be particularly interesting. human observation is one of my greatest pastimes. i'll probably write a book on the subject one day)
22. clean or messy (i've grown leaps and bounds in this area in recent years. despite continuous efforts however, i'm still a tad on the messy side. although now it's contained to one area like a drawer, rather than the entire place. heaven help me when i have kids!!)
23. order or chaos (despite #22's answer, order order order. there has to be some order to my life because my head is already so chaotic)
24. greatest place to live (nyc)
25. 5 to-do-list items (vacuum carpets, catch up on emails, catch up on phone calls, look for title to my car for wednesday court date (have to show proof of registration to have citation dropped), finish laundry)
26. 1 regret (hurting loved ones)
27. thing you miss most about being a kid (making mud pies out in the backyard after rainfall)
28. thing you love most about not being a kid (wisdom)
29. best song of all time (hummingbird, seals & crofts)
30. best song of the moment (gravity, sara bareilles)
31. last book you enjoyed (girls of riyadh, rajaa alsanea)
32. last movie you enjoyed (pineapple express)
33. saturday nights or sunday afternoons (it's so soft, light, airy, quiet, still)
34. hidden talent (reading people)
35. favorite food (ghormeh sabzi)
36. fav place in the house (by the window)
37. favorite person to talk to (andrea. she gets me. all of me. knows all the nuances)
38. re-occurring thought (find/give love)
39. wall color (strawberry yogurt. an experimental color for wall #1. it's revolting and nauseating and i haven't had time to paint it back to it's original color)
40. photos or paintings (particularly peoples faces. portraits. memories. old times. i'm a sucker for nostalgia)

2°

we used to joke that the kevin bacon 6 degrees of separation theory was ridiculous and overindulgent, but it's not only true now, it's way closer. the world is simply smaller. as the universe expands, our world grows more and more tiny by the day. the minute. the second. the post. the tweet. too small? two degrees makes me wonder. makes me think. maybe we'll try outer space next? the great expanding unexplored. little beings on other planets waiting to be connected to kevin bacon by amplitudes and proportions. had i known just how many degrees separated us, perhaps i might not have been so telling. you are now in my head though. isn't that more like one degree? if this were last year, i never would've shared anything. you never would've known me. i would've made certain of that. i would've danced around subjects. told you only what i thought was relevant, if anything. put up the impenetrable force field. but i've shed the lead apron now. life is in motion. it is a plan. there is an order. it can be written. life. who we meet. when we meet them. i will try and convince myself it is coincidence but, the more i pretend i'm not interested in what you think, what you write, the more degrees i unintentionally chip away. the more you're in my head. it's not a bad thing. a little disruptive, but i'm quite fond of the unhinging. the bottomless ocean. the wellspring of information. the text-book-i'd-rather-enjoy-reading part of your head.

8,873.32 miles away

you don't want to meet new people. it's too much work. too much explaining involved. too much effort. you stick with what you know. who you know. perhaps that is all you really need. perhaps only one person who gets you. just one other person to be a witness to your life. to know you've existed. you've been noted. documented. if you don't show yourself how can we find you? where can we find you? perhaps you think we won't understand you. won't get it right. too much history. too many inside jokes. “you're late”, you say. you've missed the boat...or just arrived, depending on how you look at it. too many unknowns. how exhausting to make everything known. where would you start? too much baggage. too many unknowns. there is no beginning to a life that has always been. “how can one trace their memories back to their first conscious thought?”, you ask. how do you pass that on? where's the starting point? you believe all you'll ever need is tucked inside your head. confined within the limits of the mind. and were that Truth, how then could unity be attained? were we not created for this great destiny? instinctually bound to this great law of inevitability? we are never alone. no cliche. it simply is. how can we find you if you fall off? no need to lock yourself in that prison. be open. be open. be open.

letting go...holding on

the hardest part is letting go. of friendships, of family. that loss is the hardest part about this process. the friends in chicago. all those guys in atlanta. or what about all the family in nashville? beautiful cousins and siblings i've formed friendships with? am i to let them go? it's awkward. and how i wish it weren't. how i wish i could save time in a bottle. package up all the knowns and keep them safe on the mantle. marriage is meant to birth unity and its foundations. unity surmounts the obstacles. brings pieces together. bonds and melts each of us into one soul. one unit. one. there is no disputing the breaking of that unity being so discouraged. breaking apart bonds and lives. disrupting the union. how i wish i could paint healing strokes of color across the edges of those broken lines. bring a new life and shape to them. piece friendships, families together. they can never be what they once were, but can they not be? can they not exist in a new way? in a more profound and lasting way that goes beyond the knots of legality? can they not be rooted in the world of the spirit? can they not bear new and more succulent fruit? more intoxicating perfume? this is my one wish now. i humbly shoot it up to God, up in the infinite corners of creation beyond the confines of time and space and pray that He will bestow this small wish in some way, shape or form.

a hot bed

i think i'm living in a hot bed of allergens!! little critters lurking in the dark. i haven't exactly seen them, but i feel like their out there waiting to make me sick any minute. yuck. pets are great, but also a handful. i wish i could isolate my cats in one of those bubble boy balls for a couple of days and scrub my place from top to bottom. i cannot wait to move. i hate carpet. i miss wood floors.

blurry line

where does the life you are called to live and the life you are living begin and end? i've been thinking about this more than usual lately. maybe it's because i'm riding a spiritual and emotional high, having returned from a wonderful weekend of conscious thought. but it does seem an important question to unravel. knowing your limitations, a good thing? or is it best to not go there to begin with and look into the bright-shinning light, squint your eyes, reach and try and feel your way around. the power of systematic action in every form, in every area of life, cannot be disputed. it is necessary in creating lasting and continual effect. i am slowly beginning to figure out how to consistently achieve this. i am a scientist. trial and error. testing and concluding. challenged a times by my wandering procrastinating mind that settles into soft gray spaces and gets all too comfortable. breaking routine has proven the most beneficial and helpful thing, which is just plain ironic. breaking order to achieve order.

“At this time and at this period we must avail ourselves of this most great opportunity. We must not sit inactive for one moment; we must sever ourselves from composure, rest, tranquility, goods, property, life and attachment to material things. We must sacrifice everything to His Highness, the Possessor of existence, so that the powers of the Kingdom may show greater penetration and the brilliant effulgence of this New Cycle may illumine the worlds of minds and ideals.”

~ ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

You Haven’t Told Me Anything

In a pearl grey room one afternoon.
One afternoon, what you gonna do?
I hang on your words but there’s nothing new.

You take a beautiful thing, pull off a wing.
Pull of a wing; safety pin.
It'll never shine quite as bright again.

But you haven’t told me anything,
that I didn’t already know.
No you haven’t said a single thing,
that I didn’t already know.

Everything I love’s stuck in the mud.
Stuck in the mud, stuck in a rut.
I’m a piece in your puzzle or a paper cut.

So same time next week, kiss on the cheek,
kiss on the cheek; say after me:
“Everything’s tied up nice and neat.”

But you haven’t told me anything,
that I didn’t already know.
No you haven’t sold me anything,
that I didn’t already own.

I feel for you, I really do.
Nothing adds up like you want it to.
No words can mend this fix I’m in.
Give me your worst I won’t even blink,
right between the eyes I won't feel a thing.

Because you haven’t told me anything,
that I didn’t already know.
No you haven’t said a single thing,
that I didn’t already know.

No you haven’t told me anything...
No you haven’t told me anything...

No you haven’t told me anything...
No you haven’t told me anything...

~ Keane

Vent for the Day

Yelling and screaming is barbaric, really. The most unnatural thing. Even worse, the ear-full I get on the phone. We are so passed that point, really. There isn't enough fuel to run that engine. I will be the bad guy if it makes it easier to let go. But let go you must. Of anger, of pain, of everything. Be calm. Be sane. Be kind. Be human, for Christ's sake. Who the hell has the energy anyway?

For Me

It is 1:47am and not a wink of sleep will be had until surely 3:30am. My new schedule. It doesn't pester me anymore. It just is. A welcoming offer and I accept. Touche my dear little night that won't let go of me. You must really enjoy my company. While everyone else rest peacefully in silence, you beckon me to play, to write, to fumble, to read, to sift, to search. Tonight is for me. The other nights I might have dedicated creativity to the world. But tonight, it is for me. The beginnings of a song emerge. And for the first time in a long time, there is no judging. Is it catchy? Well-paced? Interesting chord progression? Connected message? It is simply a little gem waiting for me in my cut out. Little nugget of truth and life patiently sitting for me to indulge. And I will, tonight.

Quick Pause

At a crossroad. Where will this path lead? Once closer to my dreams? My destiny? To the truth of my purpose on this existent plane, I hope. I move. Movement will attract guidance. The Truth is my guiding compass through the thick of time. Fleeting moments countdown. No room for procrastination here. Must stay open. Must stay open. Must stay open. I must tell myself that. It's all too easy for me to fall off. Both a weakness and a strength. Must stay open. I buckle up. It's the safe thing to do. I grab hold of the handle. It will brace me as I propel. Swelling joy bubbles inside. Bursts through me...yeeeeeehaaaaaw!

Let’s Begin

A shower always brings me back to life. I've come to realize when you work from home strange things can happen. Your days begin to run together. Your routine is lost. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?? I was supposed to have time to make time for everything else. And sure, I'm used to being up the wee hours of the night. It's always been that way. But dang! 4am? 5am? I cannot for the life of me seem to go to bed at a decent hour lately. I've tried staying up all through the night into the next day in the hopes that come 9pm, 10pm, my eyes would start to get heavy and I'd have gathered up enough expounded energy, to close my eyes and sleep soundly through the night. Hasn't worked. When was 3 hours sleep enough for me to function? Don't seem to recall that one. Oh yeah, NEVER, that's when.

Dear Stranger,

Do something impavid today. Be heroic and grand. Or simple and quiet. Get the shit kicked out of you. Or better, get your heart broken. Pick up the phone and call someone you keep meaning to. Turn the tv off. Play a song in a different key. Send an email out of the blue. Listen to a random station. Wish someone a happy birthday and be months off. Open a book anywhere in the middle and find some meaning in it. Be scared and face it. Seek rejection and relish in its lesson. Regroup. Rethink. Refeel. Relive. Then, live anew. 

pa•tience –noun

1. the quality of being patient, as bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

3. quiet steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

4. bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint

5. manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain

6. not hasty or impetuous

7. steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity

8. able or willing to bear

This

The human touch is something you don't realize you miss until it's gone. However, this is not the touch I am so compelled to describe. No, not just any touch. The touch. I witnessed it for the first time with this guy and girl at the airport a couple days ago. They were dressed in what might be classified as the ‟unkempt hippie look” and I proceeded to categorize them as organic food-eating, anti-soap, anti-establishment, anti-anything modern world individuals, something I reluctantly admit now. And while they very well may have been those things, it was not for me to unravel or judge. What is the need man has to box things in? This must be eliminated. Anyways, what really struck me the most about them was their exchange with one another. It was shocking, really. Not because it was coming from them, but the act itself would've shocked most observant individuals. The exchange didn't involve an overt display of tongue or a rubdown that might merit a ‟get a room” rebuttal. No, this exchange was so clear. So pure. So subtle. She was sitting across from him at a table situated in front of the bistro stand at gate 37. He spoke and between sentences would occasionally drop his head boyishly and look up at her with grinning admiration from beneath his perfectly round spectacles. He looked at her as though she were a majestic sunset, with utter devotion and contemplation. I am always moved when a man can do this. Women often display gestures of this nature easily. But I so adore this sentiment coming from a man. She grinned back at him. Some words were exchanged. I imagined it was something to the effect of “I'll go get it. You stay here.” And then it happened. The exchange. She stood to her feet and before she parted to the vending machine or snack stand to get whatever had created this moment, she walked over to him. She sat softly on the edge of his lap, and gave him the most endearing kiss on the cheek and then, the warmest embrace I've ever witnessed between two people was shared. When she hugged him, her hands did not merely gather around his neck. She slowly grabbed the back of his head and intertwined her fingers around it. He gently brushed the strands of hair behind her ear. She cupped his cheek in her hand while hers met the other side of his face. He nestled his head in the warmth curvature of her neck and gave her a gentle kiss. It was breathtaking. Something I've never before seen. Yes, one sees people hug and kiss everyday. We are bombarded daily by images and characters of romance and love, lust and sex. But this was something else. Something different. Something of another kind. Perhaps not ever captured in even the most romantic of movies or pictures. It was enchantment. The kind of uninhibited embrace. At one moment it was unclear if she would return. Perhaps they were taking two separate flights and this was the final goodbye before she walked to her own gate. Yet, the beauty was in that this was not a last goodbye. No two-flight-farewell. Just simplicity. For the only reason. There was peace and calm between them. A love that beamed. I was listening to ‟Black Tables” by Other Lives at that moment and it became a soundtrack for the love story I was witnessing. The water began to swell. Lost in their romance. It was clear to me that one mustn't settle for anything less. Yes, I want the service partner, the pioneer companion, the best friend, the lover, and...this.

Day 348

Writing a song can sometimes come easily and sometimes not so much. Most of the time not so much! I've been stashed away in my apartment the last two weeks trying to write (mind you, I almost work from home now, so it's much easier to fall off). I've closed myself to the world outside in an effort to focus on the world inside, and tap into whatever emotions therein lie. It's a daunting challenge, so I take breaks every so often. Go out into the world, attend and participate in community activities, live life a bit, observe people, and then come back and lock myself up once more to process. I haven't this down to any science yet by no means. Yet, I am experimenting in an effort to find the science. It's interesting. Lonely too. I haven't given up the thought though that if I can get just one good song out of this, it will be worth it. Perhaps one good song becomes the foundation of the album which to build the rest around? So shall we see what is written.

Truly

My life decides to take these turns and bends, this trip. Sometimes easy. Sometimes messy. And I am thankful for ever bit of it. The passing moment. The quiet moment. The silence. The loneliness. The company. The laughter. The music. Oh...the music! I love technology. How we can all be miles and miles from physical nearness and yet be connected through these advancements. And how much more through the spirit! I am thankful for my not-so-new friend. He makes me laugh a lot, and I am thankful for his dimples too. How they literally bestow satisfaction just looking at them. Beauty marks. I am thankful for being in “no more bullshit” mode. Finding some ground within myself and being comfortable therein. Coming to accept my weaknesses. Reaching the end of something. Creating newness in every conscious thought. I am thankful for rejection, and even more thankful for liking it. Recognizing the great teacher. I am thankful for these surrounding masses of cells, organic molecules, of pulsating life, of spiritual existence called family. I am thankful for lasting friendships. I am thankful for cats. I am thankful for the enchantment of discovery and creative power. I am thankful for being moved to tears. For possessing a tender heart. I am thankful for Him. I am thankful for you and me. For us. For them. For we. And I am thankful for time. The passage of time. For having too much, and not having enough. I am thankful for love. And thankful for loving. For being loved. I am thankful for this honor. For humility. I am thankful for a song. For more than one. For realizing a calling. For signs and guidance. For protection and mercy. For forgiveness, and second chances...sometimes thirds. I am thankful. Simply. Profoundly. Truly.

Restless

I tell myself everything will be okay today. Everything will work out. And yet everything is out of my hands, beyond my grasp, free of my understanding. I am completely at His Mercy. And so, I will repose tonight while my mind scurries about with frightening thoughts. Then I will stop myself from the raging storm and place it in His Hands once more. How it eases to make the conscious effort to turn it over to Him, yet it is He Who always has the Power and has no need for it to be relinquished.

My thought of you for the day:

I am blessed to have loved you, independent of what you have or have not felt for me. And when I'm old and gray and lying on my death bed, after all the humbling thoughts of regret that will seep in about what I failed to accomplish for this great and mighty Cause, and after thoughts of praise and gratitude, for life, for family, for friends, I am certain I will recall you and the love I have felt for you in my life. I will think back to how lucky I have been to have known you at such a young age. Yes, my first love at 12. And that love will still be there. It might change and transform, but it will always be. So I thank you, for being you. For living and breathing. For being exactly what you want and should be in this life of yours. You are destined for greatness and I hope you will love someone in your life, beyond any doubt, the way that I have loved you.

Danny Wayland Seals (Danny Horse), 1948-2009

I cannot contain my thoughts of you. It's as though you've split into an infinite number of pieces and scattered throughout the world your essence, sprinkling each us of with a touch of your love. Your spirit is felt more than ever and reverberates inside each of us. In truth, you make me want to be a better person and I thank God for your very existence. May you rejoice in the Abha Kingdom, as we rejoice in having known your precious soul. You are pure love and I love you.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Comin' in tails,
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin',
At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, what a rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

~ Coldplay

The Measure

I've always had this great fear of dropping a pebble of self into this vast ocean and rippling it in a direction contrary to where it need go. The ticking clock and limited time on this earthly plane call for decisive action and purposeful steps. I know nothing of my place in it all, only that at times I feel like disappearing into backgrounds and fading into gray, allowing no trace of self to exist. To cleanse of all attachment and prepare the journey toward a deliberate and conscious life. I take action now. Action...the great bearer of truth and attractor of guidance. Words vacant of action are absent of meaning.

(part one)

Dear Friend,
In desperate moments, when all hope seems lost,
you make everything better.
And dear, you're right. No matter how alone we feel,
we are never alone.
You are a tower of strength when all else crumbles.
And dear, I think I'm good enough now.
Sifting through the aftermath, this unrecognizable reflection,
you remember who I am.
And dear, your ocean seems limitless.
Reparation is slow, and yet you stomach the journey.
And dear, my love for you is endless.

My Africa

I sit in this white limo parked in front of the church, dressed in all black. Beyond the tinted calm is a sea of people shifting with hello's and goodbye's. Beautiful ebony people. They are my people. My family. Old faces, new faces. I want to know them, know their lives. The love I have for them seeks a thundering voice. Such grace and poise they have, each dressed in elegant shiny suits, elaborate hats decorated with folds of fabric and sequence. My, if I could be like them. My africa. Inside the church the heavenly sound of organ and voices raise in praise of the Lord, yielding thanks and honor to the life of Emma Jean Anderson. I am humbled to be here and to witness such a moment.

Dear Friend,

I see myself in you. I want to tell you what I wish you had told me many years ago....."wait."

Emma Jean Anderson, 1920-2009

With heavy breathing and tears flowing I listened to my mother utter the words on the other end of the phone tonight. I knew it was coming, we all did. But no matter how far reaching my vision into the future has been, I wasn't ready to hear these words.

When I sat next to you in the hospice two months ago, I studied your face. Traced the contours of your hands. Whispered in your ear that I loved you. I asked, "How are you doing Mema?" You answered with faint breath, "Not too bad." I thanked you for your wisdom, support and patience. For your love and strength. Wiped the sweat from your brow with a damp cloth. All the while imagining your life—my God, what it must've been like. How something you did had allowed my mother to seek. And how my mother seeking had led her to find Baha'u'llah. And how finding Him had changed her forever. And how her change had been implanted in me. And how that implanting has blessed me with recognition. And how the blessing of recognizing Him, has ignited in me a love so great it consumes me to tears and aches my chest. You, this one precious soul, have saved my life. I am blessed solely because of you.

I never heard you complain...ever. You never spoke an ill word about anyone. You were ever giving. You are the definition of pure and utter self-effacement and love. You are the purest love and I love you Mema.

Sutton

I've been sleeping on the couch for the last 8 or 9 weeks. It's not like I don't have a bed. I've got a very comfy bed in fact. One of those tempurpedic mattresses. After reading, I like to watch a bit of TV before going to sleep. It keeps me company when I need a break from the silence. And sleeping in front of it is like having a warm body to sleep next to.

Once

I lost myself in a world of work and stress and my blog went by the waste side. Unused. Underappreciated. A once fervent interest has given way to new distractions in the form of Facebook and Craigslist. But no distraction can change the fact that I'm lonely today. My blog is a comfort. Alone. Yes, I am alone. More alone than I've ever been or felt. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my feelings. It's scary. It's thrilling. I like it. No...I love it! I love the peace. The silence. The loneliness. I like reading again. I like discovering my interests once more. My imagination is giving way to creation in the form of art. I love my time alone. Yes, I love the aloneness. I often wonder if it is possible for someone to live in this aloneness with me. Can someone? Someone to trust, to open one's self up to completely? My heart urges me.