i write because...

i can't sit still. and if minds aren't emptied i fear they will pull us back down into earth and away from Heavenly Realms. to be alone is to be alone in a feeling. not solitude from the physical company that we are met with day to day. but of another kind. we are like islands. far and away. surrounded by great seas whose tides swell. whose seasons shift in the quiet moments. the minutes. i may away go. yet i shall wait in tall fields of wheat under the light of moons and stars and planets. if you wish to find me, i will not hide from you. always close and within reach. i settle into comfort but learning beyond that, to settle into unknowns. sometimes the 1,000 pieces of puzzle we seek to complete are the ones that are ours. these are more simple than they appear.

less sleep

on a fine day, i imagine we sit for hours and converse. there is so much to be said. sometimes we don't get there or so far but we will someday. in dream you walked down the dunes in the light of the moon and led those to the water's edge. and when i wish to dream, we go beyond and swim each in the other's being. to learn what lies within when we sit in silence inside ourselves is my wish for us. we are complex but not complicated and more alike than different. with time comes clarity. confirmation. we remain patient and kind.

dear beautiful one,

this heart sees you.
this soul recognizes you.
you are a dream to me.
you are pureness.
you are intention and sincerity.
i thank you for the gifting.

forget me not

i've been awaiting for you
and you've been awaiting for me
tell me that you'll always be true
and you'll be the only one for me
forget me not my dear, my darling
forget me not my love
i just wanna hold your hand
hang on every word you say
let's write a song for us
and sing until we're old and grey
forget me not my dear, my darling
forget me not my love
i'm coming home real soon
please leave a light on for me
tell me that you'll always be true
and you'll be the only one for me
yes, you'll be the only one for me 
~ The Civil Wars

changing tides

ebbs and flow. here. there. changing tides are these. if you asked me, i'd try to pinpoint it. there. not sure if it's near or far from what i know, but i feel it different. when i close my eyes at night and offer a prayer on the subject of, i ask Him to open doors. make it as pure crystal. Divine Confirmation. flashing signs. loud speakers. yet, answers from Him all too often come in whispers. know in your heart of hearts i wish good for you. only the best that can be attained really. the greatest blessings that can be bestowed. you, with complete certainty and faith, are most deserving of this. i'd wish anything for you to have it. and in time it will be so. in time justice will prevail. healing will occur. hearts will repair. life will give back what you have put in. abundance in whole. you are proof of survival. you are proof of kindness. you are proof of complete friendship. it comes for you. trust.

lullaby (a song for the unborn)

baby, when you're older
you'll see all the world
many people out there wait for you
and baby, when you're bigger
this world will seem smaller
every dream that you have
will be in your grasp
don't forget you're beautiful
don't forget you're beautiful
you're special, you're wise
and your spirit is so kind
baby, it's not easy
somedays it gets messy
there will be times when you cry
but baby, keep your chin up
know that when the doors close
there always another way inside
don't forget you're beautiful
don't forget you're beautiful
you're special, you're wise
and your spirit is so kind
~ Juliet Seals

unknown

i know i haven't grasped a full understanding of this. days pass through me, and whilst i fight tooth and nail, you always visit my mind. outside people move about their daily lives, rushing to and fro. point A to B. i join them in brief intervals. i get lost in the day to days. peace of mind for a change. rest from you. but then, it happens again and you come back to me. i mostly don't like that you do, yet mostly love that you do. i imagine you in some space and time in your day, filled with a movement. striving. making it. there's the part of me that always has you there, in the back of my mind. for the very life of me i cannot remember how nor when this began. how do flowers grow through sidewalks of cracks and rusted beds of metal? places where i thought life was lost? i am pretty terrified and cautious and tread lightly and squirm every single step of the way. not sharing too much. not sharing enough. fighting it. defending it. submitting to it. detaching from it. i go away. you always come back. small, yet all the while existing in the deep corners of the mind. yes, you are capable of creation. yes, you are capable of timeliness. and yes, i stop myself especially from going there. much too early. much too...perhaps simply the unknown of everything that is something. i am unexpectant. you are beautiful.

open doors. open windows.

many times in my life i've experienced things i didn't understand. many times. often, i look back. reflect. try to make sense of it. try to improve upon it. i try to find meaning where there are voids. try to break patterns that fail. see, i am a sidewalk of cracks. scars. bruises. the result of many years of carrying heaviness. but i ever journey onward. reminding myself to stay open. stay open. stay open. i fall off too easily. away. off. it is not for lack of sincerity. it is simply challenging to reach levels of trust required to be open. many times. it is hard. but when i open the doors and windows, i give all of me. this, you'll know.

in the forest, it is silent...

...and i am faced with such beauty before me. a kind of beauty that makes my eyes hurt. my heart ache. robs me of sleep and rest. prayer alone brings my thoughts back to Heavenly Realms and focuses my mind on the tasks at hand. and still, my mind never tires of the occupation of you. in all your glory and greatness. with all your flaws and perfections. here, i will show you. i will guide you to that place and reveal to you all the completeness of love that is felt in this heart of mine for you.

answers

last night or perhaps it was this morning or somewhere between the meeting of the two, i reached out and awaited an answer to my burning question. it has been a while since i reached out in this way. and maybe even a while since i have had a burning question. but i feel closer. one of my friends said to me recently, reminded me actually, that search is an inherent property of the soul. just like the body craves water and nourishment, so too the soul longs for it's Creator. and that longing born of the will to search draws us in closer communion with that which is the animating purpose for our existence at all, God. man is as a ship sailing open waters. his will is the wind. when it is tapped and accessed, movement of the ship can be had. with movement, the Tiller can guide and steer the course. until movement is created however, the ship cannot advance in it's journey. i summon the winds...my winds, and humbly await His Guidance.

weird fishes/arpeggi

in the deepest ocean
the bottom of the sea
your eyes
they turn me

why should i stay here?
why should i stay?

i'd be crazy not to follow
follow where you lead
your eyes
they turn me

turn me on to phantoms
i follow to the edge
of the earth
and fall off

yeah, everybody leaves
if they get the chance
and this is my chance

i get eaten by the worms
and weird fishes
picked over by the worms
and weird fishes

weird fishes
weird fishes

yeah, i'll hit the bottom
hit the bottom and escape
escape

i'll, i hit the bottom
hit the bottom to escape
escape

~ Radiohead

rumination

free my mind. detach. i am frustrated with the limitations of my words. i cannot adequately describe my association to you. all i can hope is that this feeling reach you one day. surround you. my wish for you is to not be frustrated with me. to be happy as you are. to be patient as you are. to be loving as you are. in time i will have no excuse left to hide. in time i will overcome my fear. in time i will reveal this heart to you. in time i will be who i am in the fullest way—the greatest gift i can give to you.

mr.

on a fine day, we would say a prayer together. i'd shower you with love. kiss your face. you'd make me laugh with your funny stories and i'd be impressed by your wit and charm. learn everything you'd have to teach me. we'd entertain each other. i'd play those i've written for you. and yet, you are deserving of this and so much more. you are beautiful. i can stare at you all day and never tire of your eyes. you riddle me beyond unraveling. you are an equation i try to compute. if ever you care to, write it. breathe it. i always do.

(part four)

dear friend,
at the hour of association you are a teacher of truth,
and in my heart i've learned your lessons.
and dear, you're right. there is time and we are patient.
you are an orb of brightness when my mind is dark.
and dear, i honor your soul.
traveling through the Valleys, once frightened cold,
you remind me of the Goal.
hours filled with sound, yet you embolden stillness,
and dear, i feel blessed by you.

reflecting

i'm coming and going. one step, two steps. all i know is nothing of it all. except perhaps my heart a little. i can't tell you what the mind conceives. how it can entangle you. how your thoughts can manifest themselves in ways unimaginable. but i feel. that much i am certain of. what work it is to understand our missteps, our patters, and even more work to change them. but i'm not shy to the task. what a bounty from Him to recognize when the mind must give way to the spirit. and so...i let go. it is beyond me anyway. only God knows the things of man.

hello there

piecing together all the many thoughts coexisting at one time in my head can be daunting. i catch myself telling the long-winded version of stories and always snap back to conversations wondering, are details really that important? you see, i am an artist. a free thinker. analytical yes. structured? relatively. i am constant in my search for balance, and understand more about how my mind operates now than ever. in understanding why thoughts are generated and what about past experiences in life have conditioned us, comes the responsibility to change. my mind is awakening to the importance of systematization in planning and action and the need to be engaged in a "humble posture of learning." we are scientists in this life. we plan, we act, we reflect, we adjust and try again, until what is produced is of the highest quality of excellence. whilst writing here at first was mostly to get stuff out of my head and empty my cup, it has also afforded me the opportunity to reflect on development. i'm not sure anyone even reads this, but i am grateful for you. thank you for taking the time to visit. we are on this journey together.

why?

i told myself not to, and so i won't. you can't complete me and i wouldn't want you to try anyway. partnership, that's all. letting go, that's all. swept by the wind. and i still know myself better than that. i know nothing of it all except...me. solitary in feeling and thought, yet i cannot stand with speechless tongue and wordless aim and actionless meaning and let you run away with it all. i dive deep into conscious cluelessness, guided misguidedness and cautioned whims. i swim in uncertainty but always knowing what's yours is mine and mine yours. one may never know what the heart knows nor understand what the soul attracts. it is not a puzzle to solve nor riddle to unhinge. life is the makings of what it simply be. why me? because. there is an hour. a moment. fleeting perhaps. lasting perhaps. but it is there, none-the-less.

and then there was...

half way between the procrastination and anxiety, a pretty little thing fell by the waste side. i'm still dreaming and floating but can't see the ground below. i think somewhere there is someone feeling something similar to this. and though i know there is no absoluteness of solitude in God's vastness, i find it all too easy to fall off. when the lights go down, it is i who sits inside myself caught in thought. i probably used to be pretty good at winging it. i was quick with convos and quite loose and silly. then, 10 years happened and what changed? who is this girl starring back at me in the mirror? she kinda looks the same. kinda looks different. the best of it all is that there is sparkle coming back to those once glassy eyes. how this pleases. i guess what has happened is i actually kinda like me now. and i'm loving my hair? yes. i've been able to gauged my life up to now by how i feel about my hair. why did it take so long to get here? you couldn't prepare me just a little bit? how come you didn't tell it would be this hard? or this exciting? or life-changing? i can't wait for the future to hurry up and get here. yes, i enjoy the now all too much, but the future is so great. i'm in love. it happens to the best of us. music happens to us. how a chance encounter in someone's car leads to the discovery of that sound that changes the air and enriches life. i'm a balance between mystical thinking and practical. that's the artist within. part of me fantasizes that God has placed these things in my path to guide me toward meaning. intuition and Faith are my tools of choice and as much proof as i need. my chest beats inside, and my heart is leaping. methinks if someone could spend ten seconds inside my head, they'd be shocked, disappointed, exhilarated to find i'm more than i lead on. i don't like driving from the backseat. so here i will stay a little while longer.

verbal/instrumental

it could not be better. epic moments. quiet moments. uncertainty mixed with confirmation mixed with imagination mixed with exaggeration. i should be shaking in bones and tied in knots and perhaps encased in blocks but no. i answer no. i always get back to here one day. when heart subsides and the residue of responsibility wears off and sleeping has been had. it will take two weeks sometimes. two months sometimes. my heart and mind get calm. in the back of it all there you stand waiting for me to crawl out on the limb once more and perch myself and many deep breaths later sink into mess. but the moment is no. the place is no. the sun fails to meet my sweet green field and honey bees find no drink. later, i curl up on couches after hours of sipping jasmine tea because it's my favorite and it reminds me of all things good and pure and my fingers will ache from strings and keys. mind racing. that mountain you speak of, i run up it and scream at the top of crying babies' lungs that i'm done with it all, ready for it all. the silver seas brings jane back to me. no one else will compare nor come close. let's gather up pennies for times i didn't cry and times i didn't judge myself and afterward let's celebrate sun catching cheeks and wind on my face.

lunch break

i went there the other day. because it's the Fast, during lunch i try not to torture myself by being surrounded with co-workers and their food. it's all empty. i made myself stay a little while and reflected on the journey. the strangest part was i could not remember. it's that distant of an existence. as if another life. someone else's but not mine. i had not one feeling about it. not one. complete and utter detachment from a life that isn't mine. a truth that doesn't exist anymore. it was cold because the heat had been off for months. i sat in the middle of the room on the hard wood floor and prayed. such is the uniqueness that is the Fast. a 19-day heavenly oasis in the desert of material consumption. in my conversation with God that day, i was thankful for the answering of prayers, granting of inner strengths, of support systems that propelled me beyond a half life toward this most great purpose.