Truly

My life decides to take these turns and bends, this trip. Sometimes easy. Sometimes messy. And I am thankful for ever bit of it. The passing moment. The quiet moment. The silence. The loneliness. The company. The laughter. The music. Oh...the music! I love technology. How we can all be miles and miles from physical nearness and yet be connected through these advancements. And how much more through the spirit! I am thankful for my not-so-new friend. He makes me laugh a lot, and I am thankful for his dimples too. How they literally bestow satisfaction just looking at them. Beauty marks. I am thankful for being in “no more bullshit” mode. Finding some ground within myself and being comfortable therein. Coming to accept my weaknesses. Reaching the end of something. Creating newness in every conscious thought. I am thankful for rejection, and even more thankful for liking it. Recognizing the great teacher. I am thankful for these surrounding masses of cells, organic molecules, of pulsating life, of spiritual existence called family. I am thankful for lasting friendships. I am thankful for cats. I am thankful for the enchantment of discovery and creative power. I am thankful for being moved to tears. For possessing a tender heart. I am thankful for Him. I am thankful for you and me. For us. For them. For we. And I am thankful for time. The passage of time. For having too much, and not having enough. I am thankful for love. And thankful for loving. For being loved. I am thankful for this honor. For humility. I am thankful for a song. For more than one. For realizing a calling. For signs and guidance. For protection and mercy. For forgiveness, and second chances...sometimes thirds. I am thankful. Simply. Profoundly. Truly.

Restless

I tell myself everything will be okay today. Everything will work out. And yet everything is out of my hands, beyond my grasp, free of my understanding. I am completely at His Mercy. And so, I will repose tonight while my mind scurries about with frightening thoughts. Then I will stop myself from the raging storm and place it in His Hands once more. How it eases to make the conscious effort to turn it over to Him, yet it is He Who always has the Power and has no need for it to be relinquished.

My thought of you for the day:

I am blessed to have loved you, independent of what you have or have not felt for me. And when I'm old and gray and lying on my death bed, after all the humbling thoughts of regret that will seep in about what I failed to accomplish for this great and mighty Cause, and after thoughts of praise and gratitude, for life, for family, for friends, I am certain I will recall you and the love I have felt for you in my life. I will think back to how lucky I have been to have known you at such a young age. Yes, my first love at 12. And that love will still be there. It might change and transform, but it will always be. So I thank you, for being you. For living and breathing. For being exactly what you want and should be in this life of yours. You are destined for greatness and I hope you will love someone in your life, beyond any doubt, the way that I have loved you.

Danny Wayland Seals (Danny Horse), 1948-2009

I cannot contain my thoughts of you. It's as though you've split into an infinite number of pieces and scattered throughout the world your essence, sprinkling each us of with a touch of your love. Your spirit is felt more than ever and reverberates inside each of us. In truth, you make me want to be a better person and I thank God for your very existence. May you rejoice in the Abha Kingdom, as we rejoice in having known your precious soul. You are pure love and I love you.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Oh let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Comin' in tails,
Heads on a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessin',
At numbers and figures,
Pullin' the puzzles apart.

Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
Oh, what a rush to the start.

Runnin' in circles,
Chasin' tails,
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

~ Coldplay

The Measure

I've always had this great fear of dropping a pebble of self into this vast ocean and rippling it in a direction contrary to where it need go. The ticking clock and limited time on this earthly plane call for decisive action and purposeful steps. I know nothing of my place in it all, only that at times I feel like disappearing into backgrounds and fading into gray, allowing no trace of self to exist. To cleanse of all attachment and prepare the journey toward a deliberate and conscious life. I take action now. Action...the great bearer of truth and attractor of guidance. Words vacant of action are absent of meaning.

(part one)

Dear Friend,
In desperate moments, when all hope seems lost,
you make everything better.
And dear, you're right. No matter how alone we feel,
we are never alone.
You are a tower of strength when all else crumbles.
And dear, I think I'm good enough now.
Sifting through the aftermath, this unrecognizable reflection,
you remember who I am.
And dear, your ocean seems limitless.
Reparation is slow, and yet you stomach the journey.
And dear, my love for you is endless.

My Africa

I sit in this white limo parked in front of the church, dressed in all black. Beyond the tinted calm is a sea of people shifting with hello's and goodbye's. Beautiful ebony people. They are my people. My family. Old faces, new faces. I want to know them, know their lives. The love I have for them seeks a thundering voice. Such grace and poise they have, each dressed in elegant shiny suits, elaborate hats decorated with folds of fabric and sequence. My, if I could be like them. My africa. Inside the church the heavenly sound of organ and voices raise in praise of the Lord, yielding thanks and honor to the life of Emma Jean Anderson. I am humbled to be here and to witness such a moment.

Dear Friend,

I see myself in you. I want to tell you what I wish you had told me many years ago....."wait."

Emma Jean Anderson, 1920-2009

With heavy breathing and tears flowing I listened to my mother utter the words on the other end of the phone tonight. I knew it was coming, we all did. But no matter how far reaching my vision into the future has been, I wasn't ready to hear these words.

When I sat next to you in the hospice two months ago, I studied your face. Traced the contours of your hands. Whispered in your ear that I loved you. I asked, "How are you doing Mema?" You answered with faint breath, "Not too bad." I thanked you for your wisdom, support and patience. For your love and strength. Wiped the sweat from your brow with a damp cloth. All the while imagining your life—my God, what it must've been like. How something you did had allowed my mother to seek. And how my mother seeking had led her to find Baha'u'llah. And how finding Him had changed her forever. And how her change had been implanted in me. And how that implanting has blessed me with recognition. And how the blessing of recognizing Him, has ignited in me a love so great it consumes me to tears and aches my chest. You, this one precious soul, have saved my life. I am blessed solely because of you.

I never heard you complain...ever. You never spoke an ill word about anyone. You were ever giving. You are the definition of pure and utter self-effacement and love. You are the purest love and I love you Mema.

Sutton

I've been sleeping on the couch for the last 8 or 9 weeks. It's not like I don't have a bed. I've got a very comfy bed in fact. One of those tempurpedic mattresses. After reading, I like to watch a bit of TV before going to sleep. It keeps me company when I need a break from the silence. And sleeping in front of it is like having a warm body to sleep next to.

Once

I lost myself in a world of work and stress and my blog went by the waste side. Unused. Underappreciated. A once fervent interest has given way to new distractions in the form of Facebook and Craigslist. But no distraction can change the fact that I'm lonely today. My blog is a comfort. Alone. Yes, I am alone. More alone than I've ever been or felt. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my feelings. It's scary. It's thrilling. I like it. No...I love it! I love the peace. The silence. The loneliness. I like reading again. I like discovering my interests once more. My imagination is giving way to creation in the form of art. I love my time alone. Yes, I love the aloneness. I often wonder if it is possible for someone to live in this aloneness with me. Can someone? Someone to trust, to open one's self up to completely? My heart urges me.

Widget

For my fellow MAC owners out there rockin' the OSX operating system, there's a great Widget I came across the other day called "Twin Calendar." It displays the Badi/Baha'i Calendar. It even includes the names appointed for the days of the week & months, sunrise and sunset times (too bad the Fast is coming to an end), as well as the Baha'i Year & all Holy Days. You can download it at: www.apple.com. Enjoy!

The Little Rockstar

Here's our dear Chloe all wide-eyed and bushy tailed.

The Fast Chronicled: Day 16

Breakfast:
• Chocolate Chip Pankcakes topped with fresh Strawberries
• Persian Tea

Dinner:
• Bean & Cheese Burrito with Chimichurri (or "Pico de Gallo," as it's known in the U.S.)
• Applesauce
• Silk® Chocolate Soy Milk

The Fast Chronicled: Day 15

Breakfast:
• Fruit Salad—inspired by Jere McKinney's breakfast fruit shake (you can see the yummy fruit ingredients at: www.bumpastuff.com)—with Strawberries, Nectarines, Papaya, Banana & Mango.
• Whole Wheat Toast with Jam

Dinner:
• Meatloaf with Mashed Potatoes
• Side Salad
• Banana Bread with Nutella Spread (amazing combo!)

The Fast Chronicled: Day 14

Breakfast:
• 2 Hard Boiled Eggs
• Toast with French Feta Cheese & Hummus (Thanks D!)
• Tangerine Juice
• Water

Dinner:
• Homemade Pizza (whole wheat pita bread with olive oil, tomato basil sauce, mozzarella cheese, smoked turkey, bell pepper slices & fresh tomatoes)
• Glass of Silk® Chocolate Soy Milk

The Fast Chronicled: Day 13

Breakfast:
• 2 Hard Boiled Eggs
• Pita Bread with French Feta Cheese
• Glass of Orange Juice

Dinner:
• Combination Lo Mein
• Wonton Soup
• Glass of Water

The Fast Chronicled: Day 12

Breakfast:
• 1 Big Bowl of Newman's Own® Cereal
• Glass of Water

Dinner:
• Subway© Sweet Onion Chicken Sub (Everything on it. Extra jalapeños)
• Glass of Water
• BBQ Soy Chips

The Fast Chronicled: Day 11

Breakfast:
• 2 Belgium Waffles
• 1/2 Sliced Peach
• Glass of Water

Dinner:
• Combo #8 from McDonald's
(I don't eat it very often for obvious reasons, but I do love McD's chicken strips with sweet & sour dipping sauce. I'm totally crazy about McD's fries too. Is there's something in them other than potato though? They're addictive!)