Thursday, December 09, 2010

weird fishes/arpeggi

in the deepest ocean
the bottom of the sea
your eyes
they turn me

why should i stay here?
why should i stay?

i'd be crazy not to follow
follow where you lead
your eyes
they turn me

turn me on to phantoms
i follow to the edge
of the earth
and fall off

yeah, everybody leaves
if they get the chance
and this is my chance

i get eaten by the worms
and weird fishes
picked over by the worms
and weird fishes

weird fishes
weird fishes

yeah, i'll hit the bottom
hit the bottom and escape
escape

i'll, i hit the bottom
hit the bottom to escape
escape

~ Radiohead

Saturday, December 04, 2010

rumination

free my mind. detach. i am frustrated with the limitations of my words. i cannot adequately describe my association to you. all i can hope is that this feeling reach you one day. surround you. my wish for you is to not be frustrated with me. to be happy as you are. to be patient as you are. to be loving as you are. in time i will have no excuse left to hide. in time i will overcome my fear. in time i will reveal this heart to you. in time i will be who i am in the fullest way—the greatest gift i can give to you.

Monday, November 29, 2010

mr.

on a fine day, we would say a prayer together. i'd shower you with love. kiss your face. you'd make me laugh with your funny stories and i'd be impressed by your wit and charm. learn everything you'd have to teach me. we'd entertain each other. i'd play those i've written for you. and yet, you are deserving of this and so much more. you are beautiful. i can stare at you all day and never tire of your eyes. you riddle me beyond unraveling. you are an equation i try to compute. if ever you care to, write it. breathe it. i always do.

Friday, October 08, 2010

(part four)

dear friend,
at the hour of association you are a teacher of truth,
and in my heart i've learned your lessons.
and dear, you're right. there is time and we are patient.
you are an orb of brightness when my mind is dark.
and dear, i honor your soul.
traveling through the Valleys, once frightened cold,
you remind me of the Goal.
hours filled with sound, yet you embolden stillness,
and dear, i feel blessed by you.

Monday, October 04, 2010

reflecting

i'm coming and going. one step, two steps. all i know is nothing of it all. except perhaps my heart a little. i can't tell you what the mind conceives. how it can entangle you. how your thoughts can manifest themselves in ways unimaginable. but i feel. that much i am certain of. what work it is to understand our missteps, our patters, and even more work to change them. but i'm not shy to the task. what a bounty from Him to recognize when the mind must give way to the spirit. and so...i let go. it is beyond me anyway. only God knows the things of man.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

hello there

piecing together all the many thoughts coexisting at one time in my head can be daunting. i catch myself telling the long-winded version of stories and always snap back to conversations wondering, are details really that important? you see, i am an artist. a free thinker. analytical yes. structured? relatively. i am constant in my search for balance, and understand more about how my mind operates now than ever. in understanding why thoughts are generated and what about past experiences in life have conditioned us, comes the responsibility to change. my mind is awakening to the importance of systematization in planning and action and the need to be engaged in a "humble posture of learning." we are scientists in this life. we plan, we act, we reflect, we adjust and try again, until what is produced is of the highest quality of excellence. whilst writing here at first was mostly to get stuff out of my head and empty my cup, it has also afforded me the opportunity to reflect on development. i'm not sure anyone even reads this, but i am grateful for you. thank you for taking the time to visit. we are on this journey together.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

why?

i told myself not to, and so i won't. you can't complete me and i wouldn't want you to try anyway. partnership, that's all. letting go, that's all. swept by the wind. and i still know myself better than that. i know nothing of it all except...me. solitary in feeling and thought, yet i cannot stand with speechless tongue and wordless aim and actionless meaning and let you run away with it all. i dive deep into conscious cluelessness, guided misguidedness and cautioned whims. i swim in uncertainty but always knowing what's yours is mine and mine yours. one may never know what the heart knows nor understand what the soul attracts. it is not a puzzle to solve nor riddle to unhinge. life is the makings of what it simply be. why me? because. there is an hour. a moment. fleeting perhaps. lasting perhaps. but it is there, none-the-less.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

and then there was...

half way between the procrastination and anxiety, a pretty little thing fell by the waste side. i'm still dreaming and floating but can't see the ground below. i think somewhere there is someone feeling something similar to this. and though i know there is no absoluteness of solitude in God's vastness, i find it all too easy to fall off. when the lights go down, it is i who sits inside myself caught in thought. i probably used to be pretty good at winging it. i was quick with convos and quite loose and silly. then, 10 years happened and what changed? who is this girl starring back at me in the mirror? she kinda looks the same. kinda looks different. the best of it all is that there is sparkle coming back to those once glassy eyes. how this pleases. i guess what has happened is i actually kinda like me now. and i'm loving my hair? yes. i've been able to gauged my life up to now by how i feel about my hair. why did it take so long to get here? you couldn't prepare me just a little bit? how come you didn't tell it would be this hard? or this exciting? or life-changing? i can't wait for the future to hurry up and get here. yes, i enjoy the now all too much, but the future is so great. i'm in love. it happens to the best of us. music happens to us. how a chance encounter in someone's car leads to the discovery of that sound that changes the air and enriches life. i'm a balance between mystical thinking and practical. that's the artist within. part of me fantasizes that God has placed these things in my path to guide me toward meaning. intuition and Faith are my tools of choice and as much proof as i need. my chest beats inside, and my heart is leaping. methinks if someone could spend ten seconds inside my head, they'd be shocked, disappointed, exhilarated to find i'm more than i lead on. i don't like driving from the backseat. so here i will stay a little while longer.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

verbal/instrumental

it could not be better. epic moments. quiet moments. uncertainty mixed with confirmation mixed with imagination mixed with exaggeration. i should be shaking in bones and tied in knots and perhaps encased in blocks but no. i answer no. i always get back to here one day. when heart subsides and the residue of responsibility wears off and sleeping has been had. it will take two weeks sometimes. two months sometimes. my heart and mind get calm. in the back of it all there you stand waiting for me to crawl out on the limb once more and perch myself and many deep breaths later sink into mess. but the moment is no. the place is no. the sun fails to meet my sweet green field and honey bees find no drink. later, i curl up on couches after hours of sipping jasmine tea because it's my favorite and it reminds me of all things good and pure and my fingers will ache from strings and keys. mind racing. that mountain you speak of, i run up it and scream at the top of crying babies' lungs that i'm done with it all, ready for it all. the silver seas brings jane back to me. no one else will compare nor come close. let's gather up pennies for times i didn't cry and times i didn't judge myself and afterward let's celebrate sun catching cheeks and wind on my face.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

lunch break

i went there the other day. because it's the Fast, during lunch i try not to torture myself by being surrounded with co-workers and their food. it's all empty. i made myself stay a little while and reflected on the journey. the strangest part was i could not remember. it's that distant of an existence. as if another life. someone else's but not mine. i had not one feeling about it. not one. complete and utter detachment from a life that isn't mine. a truth that doesn't exist anymore. it was cold because the heat had been off for months. i sat in the middle of the room on the hard wood floor and prayed. such is the uniqueness that is the Fast. a 19-day heavenly oasis in the desert of material consumption. in my conversation with God that day, i was thankful for the answering of prayers, granting of inner strengths, of support systems that propelled me beyond a half life toward this most great purpose.

Monday, February 15, 2010

when in doubt...

when at a loss for more interesting things to write about, i always revert back to updates. job, music, corazones. here they go:

i started back at the advertising job i used to have before i moved to FL. yep, i'm designing once more, and calling more of the shots this time around. and they contacted me, imagine that. nice for a change. my friend says, “you must be a real star.” i'm not sure if that's true so much as God having blessed me at a time when i really needed blessing (is there ever a moment where we don't, really?).

music is coming fast these days, coming slow these days. the band has reconvened and has planned the next strategic moves that should make or break us. we are moving forward with the album. mixing is just about done, and soon we master and ship off to a list of networks and contacts. play gigs. manager hunt and push this as far as humanly possible. i wish i were writing more songs though. i can't explain it any other way than to say that when you are a creative being, there are moments in your life where your inner voice prompts you to release yourself to the art. i've been ignoring this voice for all the obvious reasons of being in a sorta limbo living situation where i have little quiet “me” space to let loose in. in the past i haven't been very good at finding the adequate balance for channeling that creative force. the best and closest i came to it was back in FL when i was living alone. that's where it lived and moved freely. absolute fluidity. deliberate sometimes, uncontrolled at others, but ever present.

the rest of life is pretty normal. great and normal. or as my friend says, “regular”, as in “i'll have my eggs regular.” no epic fails has to be a good thing. i learned the hard way from the last experience and now place myself on the priority list...at the top, to be exact. the reality of life is not everyone can put you on their list all the time, nor them on their own list for that matter. but as long as i keep myself on my list, life feels right. that's where i have to be. i truly believe giving to ourselves enables us the wherewithal to give to others. how we can learn, grow and change, become better, be content with how far we've come and hopeful about where we need to be, and more importantly have the strength to get there. i know nothing of it all except that i want my biggest success in life to be service to Baha’u’llah, and therefore to humanity. i wish to always strive toward this purpose. it's the only thing worth living for. worth dying for. whatever beauty happens beyond that is purely icing on the cake.

Friday, February 05, 2010

31 january 1818

when i have fears that i may cease to be
before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
before high-piled books, in charactery,
hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
when i behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
and think that i may never live to trace
their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
and when i feel, fair creature of an hour,
that i shall never look upon thee more,
never have relish in the faery power
of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
of the wide world i stand alone, and think
till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

~ John Keats

Sunday, January 31, 2010

(part three)

dear friend,
in the midst of confusion you are the rock of clarity,
and in my chaos you've made peace.
and dear, you're right. we tread the best path.
you are a sea of wisdom when my heart is weak.
and dear, i celebrate your strength.
moving through the oceans, once timid body,
you remind me of who we are.
and dear, your beauty is solid truth.
nights are long, and yet you embody warmth,
and dear, my soul is thankful.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

...chases after me

got a love in my heart it's burning
gone for a while returning
the sun is coming up with bluer skies

got a weight off my chest the gift is
peace of mind and i'm lifted
time for getting out, it's been too long

i thought i found it in my shelter
i thought i found it in my dreams
in the midst of all the doubting
your love chases after me

it's the time of my life so i'm living
stand up and shout this feeling
walking down the city streets with neon lights

i don't know why i fought against it
i don't know why i wouldn't see
despite my walls and my fences
your love chases after me

thought i found it in my shelter
thought i found it in my dreams
in the midst of all the doubting
your love chases after me

i don't know why i fought against it
i don't know why i wouldn't see
despite my walls and my fences
your love chases after me
your love chases after me

~ Mindy Smith

Friday, January 15, 2010

(love is) the answer

"The essence of Bahá’u’lláh’s Teaching is all-embracing love, for love includeth every excellence of humankind. It causeth every soul to go forward. It bestoweth on each one, for a heritage, immortal life. Erelong shalt thou bear witness that His celestial Teachings, the very glory of reality itself, shall light up the skies of the world."

~‘Abdu’l-Bahá