unknown

i know i haven't grasped a full understanding of this. days pass through me, and whilst i fight tooth and nail, you always visit my mind. outside people move about their daily lives, rushing to and fro. point A to B. i join them in brief intervals. i get lost in the day to days. peace of mind for a change. rest from you. but then, it happens again and you come back to me. i mostly don't like that you do, yet mostly love that you do. i imagine you in some space and time in your day, filled with a movement. striving. making it. there's the part of me that always has you there, in the back of my mind. for the very life of me i cannot remember how nor when this began. how do flowers grow through sidewalks of cracks and rusted beds of metal? places where i thought life was lost? i am pretty terrified and cautious and tread lightly and squirm every single step of the way. not sharing too much. not sharing enough. fighting it. defending it. submitting to it. detaching from it. i go away. you always come back. small, yet all the while existing in the deep corners of the mind. yes, you are capable of creation. yes, you are capable of timeliness. and yes, i stop myself especially from going there. much too early. much too...perhaps simply the unknown of everything that is something. i am unexpectant. you are beautiful.

open doors. open windows.

many times in my life i've experienced things i didn't understand. many times. often, i look back. reflect. try to make sense of it. try to improve upon it. i try to find meaning where there are voids. try to break patterns that fail. see, i am a sidewalk of cracks. scars. bruises. the result of many years of carrying heaviness. but i ever journey onward. reminding myself to stay open. stay open. stay open. i fall off too easily. away. off. it is not for lack of sincerity. it is simply challenging to reach levels of trust required to be open. many times. it is hard. but when i open the doors and windows, i give all of me. this, you'll know.