last page

so this is the last stretch. the last leg of this 10 yr. journey. it's a time of mixed emotions. on the one hand, there's resignation and contentment. hope and aspiration. on the other, pits in the stomach. sleepless nights. it seems so archaic for lawyers to decide what's best for two people they know nothing about. two people who know each other better than that. unanswered phone calls. unreplied texts. ends back and forth. is there no common ground? feels like there is no ground at all. or at best, like we're standing on two different grounds. in two different countries. two different worlds. two different universes. let's make peace. let's make white flags. let's finalize. let's close. oh that unity might be had in some form, in whatever peculiar ways we can create. fair minds are terrible things to waste. balance is a terrible thing to ignore. moderation is a terrible thing to disapprove. God is there no end to the uncertainty? this is the most excruciating thing i've ever gone through. no walk in the park. relief comes in the form of antacids and chocolate. how i have hoped it would come in the form of a nod. a gesture. an agreement. a resolution. a hand shake. the ride has just gotten bumpier. i buckle up and prepare, but nothing i have done in my life up until now can adequately prepare me for this unknown journey. these uncertainties. i am at a loss. i pray and turn it over to God.

“I adjure Thee by Thy might, O my God! Let no harm beset me in times of tests, and in moments of heedlessness guide my steps aright through Thine inspiration. Thou art God, potent art Thou to do what Thou desirest. No one can withstand Thy Will or thwart Thy Purpose.”

~ The Báb

“The musician’s art is among those arts worthy of the highest praise, and it moveth the hearts of all who grieve.”

~ ‛Abdu’l-Bahá

absurd little list

1. coffee or tea (coffee in the morning or else i must brace myself for a big headache that can very well span the entire day)
2. morning or night (the night season is when it all happens. creativity creeps in and my body, mind, soul come alive. i am a new being at night. i am more myself here than any other part of the day. i am romance and the night is my companion)
3. sweet or salty (solid befuddlement. i have an enormous sweet tooth. so much so that i force myself to eat salty food in the interest of sweet's enhancement. deliciously sickening)
4. postcards or emails (emails make me giddy. but postcards are my heart. nothing comes close to the words of a friend, a loved one, written in their own hand, with an image for vicarious daydreaming)
5. best childhood television program (fraggle rock. scared the shit out of me, but i was obsessed with it)
6. collector of... (magazines, photos, greeting cards and gifts. anything sentimental is hard for me to throw out)
7. choice superpower (invisibility. the idea of observing people in their uninhibited and personal environments without them knowing is fascinating to me. sounds a bit stalkerish, i know...lol )
8. first thought this morning (what's the absolute latest i can sleep before i'm late for work? slept right up until about 10 mins. before it was time for work! what can i say, when the body speaks, i listen)
9. last thought before reading this (i'm so bored, and i really should be sleeping or reading but need to do something tedious to feel productive)
10. objects in your pocket (front right pocket: folded CVS pharmacy receipt for eye drops (allergies acting up again). back right pocket: iphone)
11. objects on your night table (rememberance of God prayer book, iphone charger, lamp, photo of mom & dad, pen, journal)
12. time. elaborate. (passing, fleeting, like a train i've missed. i'm always conjuring up ways to save time, make time, hold time. most of the time i simply end up wasting time)
13. worst memory (the last big fight i had with my ex)
14. best movie (shawshank redemption)
15. bad habit (procrastination & chocolate eating)
16. best habit (empathizing)
17. greatest accomplishment (surviving)
18. 3 long-term goals (MFA, make great music...oh yeah, and meet mr. right and start a family)
19. celebrity crush (john mayer)
20. 1 thing you've changed this year (how i feel about my hair. finally embraced the curls and accepted the mane)
21. first thing you notice (body language. i find the way a person carries themselves to be particularly interesting. human observation is one of my greatest pastimes. i'll probably write a book on the subject one day)
22. clean or messy (i've grown leaps and bounds in this area in recent years. despite continuous efforts however, i'm still a tad on the messy side. although now it's contained to one area like a drawer, rather than the entire place. heaven help me when i have kids!!)
23. order or chaos (despite #22's answer, order order order. there has to be some order to my life because my head is already so chaotic)
24. greatest place to live (nyc)
25. 5 to-do-list items (vacuum carpets, catch up on emails, catch up on phone calls, look for title to my car for wednesday court date (have to show proof of registration to have citation dropped), finish laundry)
26. 1 regret (hurting loved ones)
27. thing you miss most about being a kid (making mud pies out in the backyard after rainfall)
28. thing you love most about not being a kid (wisdom)
29. best song of all time (hummingbird, seals & crofts)
30. best song of the moment (gravity, sara bareilles)
31. last book you enjoyed (girls of riyadh, rajaa alsanea)
32. last movie you enjoyed (pineapple express)
33. saturday nights or sunday afternoons (it's so soft, light, airy, quiet, still)
34. hidden talent (reading people)
35. favorite food (ghormeh sabzi)
36. fav place in the house (by the window)
37. favorite person to talk to (andrea. she gets me. all of me. knows all the nuances)
38. re-occurring thought (find/give love)
39. wall color (strawberry yogurt. an experimental color for wall #1. it's revolting and nauseating and i haven't had time to paint it back to it's original color)
40. photos or paintings (particularly peoples faces. portraits. memories. old times. i'm a sucker for nostalgia)

2°

we used to joke that the kevin bacon 6 degrees of separation theory was ridiculous and overindulgent, but it's not only true now, it's way closer. the world is simply smaller. as the universe expands, our world grows more and more tiny by the day. the minute. the second. the post. the tweet. too small? two degrees makes me wonder. makes me think. maybe we'll try outer space next? the great expanding unexplored. little beings on other planets waiting to be connected to kevin bacon by amplitudes and proportions. had i known just how many degrees separated us, perhaps i might not have been so telling. you are now in my head though. isn't that more like one degree? if this were last year, i never would've shared anything. you never would've known me. i would've made certain of that. i would've danced around subjects. told you only what i thought was relevant, if anything. put up the impenetrable force field. but i've shed the lead apron now. life is in motion. it is a plan. there is an order. it can be written. life. who we meet. when we meet them. i will try and convince myself it is coincidence but, the more i pretend i'm not interested in what you think, what you write, the more degrees i unintentionally chip away. the more you're in my head. it's not a bad thing. a little disruptive, but i'm quite fond of the unhinging. the bottomless ocean. the wellspring of information. the text-book-i'd-rather-enjoy-reading part of your head.

8,873.32 miles away

you don't want to meet new people. it's too much work. too much explaining involved. too much effort. you stick with what you know. who you know. perhaps that is all you really need. perhaps only one person who gets you. just one other person to be a witness to your life. to know you've existed. you've been noted. documented. if you don't show yourself how can we find you? where can we find you? perhaps you think we won't understand you. won't get it right. too much history. too many inside jokes. “you're late”, you say. you've missed the boat...or just arrived, depending on how you look at it. too many unknowns. how exhausting to make everything known. where would you start? too much baggage. too many unknowns. there is no beginning to a life that has always been. “how can one trace their memories back to their first conscious thought?”, you ask. how do you pass that on? where's the starting point? you believe all you'll ever need is tucked inside your head. confined within the limits of the mind. and were that Truth, how then could unity be attained? were we not created for this great destiny? instinctually bound to this great law of inevitability? we are never alone. no cliche. it simply is. how can we find you if you fall off? no need to lock yourself in that prison. be open. be open. be open.

letting go...holding on

the hardest part is letting go. of friendships, of family. that loss is the hardest part about this process. the friends in chicago. all those guys in atlanta. or what about all the family in nashville? beautiful cousins and siblings i've formed friendships with? am i to let them go? it's awkward. and how i wish it weren't. how i wish i could save time in a bottle. package up all the knowns and keep them safe on the mantle. marriage is meant to birth unity and its foundations. unity surmounts the obstacles. brings pieces together. bonds and melts each of us into one soul. one unit. one. there is no disputing the breaking of that unity being so discouraged. breaking apart bonds and lives. disrupting the union. how i wish i could paint healing strokes of color across the edges of those broken lines. bring a new life and shape to them. piece friendships, families together. they can never be what they once were, but can they not be? can they not exist in a new way? in a more profound and lasting way that goes beyond the knots of legality? can they not be rooted in the world of the spirit? can they not bear new and more succulent fruit? more intoxicating perfume? this is my one wish now. i humbly shoot it up to God, up in the infinite corners of creation beyond the confines of time and space and pray that He will bestow this small wish in some way, shape or form.

a hot bed

i think i'm living in a hot bed of allergens!! little critters lurking in the dark. i haven't exactly seen them, but i feel like their out there waiting to make me sick any minute. yuck. pets are great, but also a handful. i wish i could isolate my cats in one of those bubble boy balls for a couple of days and scrub my place from top to bottom. i cannot wait to move. i hate carpet. i miss wood floors.

blurry line

where does the life you are called to live and the life you are living begin and end? i've been thinking about this more than usual lately. maybe it's because i'm riding a spiritual and emotional high, having returned from a wonderful weekend of conscious thought. but it does seem an important question to unravel. knowing your limitations, a good thing? or is it best to not go there to begin with and look into the bright-shinning light, squint your eyes, reach and try and feel your way around. the power of systematic action in every form, in every area of life, cannot be disputed. it is necessary in creating lasting and continual effect. i am slowly beginning to figure out how to consistently achieve this. i am a scientist. trial and error. testing and concluding. challenged a times by my wandering procrastinating mind that settles into soft gray spaces and gets all too comfortable. breaking routine has proven the most beneficial and helpful thing, which is just plain ironic. breaking order to achieve order.