hello there

piecing together all the many thoughts coexisting at one time in my head can be daunting. i catch myself telling the long-winded version of stories and always snap back to conversations wondering, are details really that important? you see, i am an artist. a free thinker. analytical yes. structured? relatively. i am constant in my search for balance, and understand more about how my mind operates now than ever. in understanding why thoughts are generated and what about past experiences in life have conditioned us, comes the responsibility to change. my mind is awakening to the importance of systematization in planning and action and the need to be engaged in a "humble posture of learning." we are scientists in this life. we plan, we act, we reflect, we adjust and try again, until what is produced is of the highest quality of excellence. whilst writing here at first was mostly to get stuff out of my head and empty my cup, it has also afforded me the opportunity to reflect on development. i'm not sure anyone even reads this, but i am grateful for you. thank you for taking the time to visit. we are on this journey together.

why?

i told myself not to, and so i won't. you can't complete me and i wouldn't want you to try anyway. partnership, that's all. letting go, that's all. swept by the wind. and i still know myself better than that. i know nothing of it all except...me. solitary in feeling and thought, yet i cannot stand with speechless tongue and wordless aim and actionless meaning and let you run away with it all. i dive deep into conscious cluelessness, guided misguidedness and cautioned whims. i swim in uncertainty but always knowing what's yours is mine and mine yours. one may never know what the heart knows nor understand what the soul attracts. it is not a puzzle to solve nor riddle to unhinge. life is the makings of what it simply be. why me? because. there is an hour. a moment. fleeting perhaps. lasting perhaps. but it is there, none-the-less.

and then there was...

half way between the procrastination and anxiety, a pretty little thing fell by the waste side. i'm still dreaming and floating but can't see the ground below. i think somewhere there is someone feeling something similar to this. and though i know there is no absoluteness of solitude in God's vastness, i find it all too easy to fall off. when the lights go down, it is i who sits inside myself caught in thought. i probably used to be pretty good at winging it. i was quick with convos and quite loose and silly. then, 10 years happened and what changed? who is this girl starring back at me in the mirror? she kinda looks the same. kinda looks different. the best of it all is that there is sparkle coming back to those once glassy eyes. how this pleases. i guess what has happened is i actually kinda like me now. and i'm loving my hair? yes. i've been able to gauged my life up to now by how i feel about my hair. why did it take so long to get here? you couldn't prepare me just a little bit? how come you didn't tell it would be this hard? or this exciting? or life-changing? i can't wait for the future to hurry up and get here. yes, i enjoy the now all too much, but the future is so great. i'm in love. it happens to the best of us. music happens to us. how a chance encounter in someone's car leads to the discovery of that sound that changes the air and enriches life. i'm a balance between mystical thinking and practical. that's the artist within. part of me fantasizes that God has placed these things in my path to guide me toward meaning. intuition and Faith are my tools of choice and as much proof as i need. my chest beats inside, and my heart is leaping. methinks if someone could spend ten seconds inside my head, they'd be shocked, disappointed, exhilarated to find i'm more than i lead on. i don't like driving from the backseat. so here i will stay a little while longer.

verbal/instrumental

it could not be better. epic moments. quiet moments. uncertainty mixed with confirmation mixed with imagination mixed with exaggeration. i should be shaking in bones and tied in knots and perhaps encased in blocks but no. i answer no. i always get back to here one day. when heart subsides and the residue of responsibility wears off and sleeping has been had. it will take two weeks sometimes. two months sometimes. my heart and mind get calm. in the back of it all there you stand waiting for me to crawl out on the limb once more and perch myself and many deep breaths later sink into mess. but the moment is no. the place is no. the sun fails to meet my sweet green field and honey bees find no drink. later, i curl up on couches after hours of sipping jasmine tea because it's my favorite and it reminds me of all things good and pure and my fingers will ache from strings and keys. mind racing. that mountain you speak of, i run up it and scream at the top of crying babies' lungs that i'm done with it all, ready for it all. the silver seas brings jane back to me. no one else will compare nor come close. let's gather up pennies for times i didn't cry and times i didn't judge myself and afterward let's celebrate sun catching cheeks and wind on my face.

lunch break

i went there the other day. because it's the Fast, during lunch i try not to torture myself by being surrounded with co-workers and their food. it's all empty. i made myself stay a little while and reflected on the journey. the strangest part was i could not remember. it's that distant of an existence. as if another life. someone else's but not mine. i had not one feeling about it. not one. complete and utter detachment from a life that isn't mine. a truth that doesn't exist anymore. it was cold because the heat had been off for months. i sat in the middle of the room on the hard wood floor and prayed. such is the uniqueness that is the Fast. a 19-day heavenly oasis in the desert of material consumption. in my conversation with God that day, i was thankful for the answering of prayers, granting of inner strengths, of support systems that propelled me beyond a half life toward this most great purpose.

when in doubt...

when at a loss for more interesting things to write about, i always revert back to updates. job, music, corazones. here they go:

i started back at the advertising job i used to have before i moved to FL. yep, i'm designing once more, and calling more of the shots this time around. and they contacted me, imagine that. nice for a change. my friend says, “you must be a real star.” i'm not sure if that's true so much as God having blessed me at a time when i really needed blessing (is there ever a moment where we don't, really?).

music is coming fast these days, coming slow these days. the band has reconvened and has planned the next strategic moves that should make or break us. we are moving forward with the album. mixing is just about done, and soon we master and ship off to a list of networks and contacts. play gigs. manager hunt and push this as far as humanly possible. i wish i were writing more songs though. i can't explain it any other way than to say that when you are a creative being, there are moments in your life where your inner voice prompts you to release yourself to the art. i've been ignoring this voice for all the obvious reasons of being in a sorta limbo living situation where i have little quiet “me” space to let loose in. in the past i haven't been very good at finding the adequate balance for channeling that creative force. the best and closest i came to it was back in FL when i was living alone. that's where it lived and moved freely. absolute fluidity. deliberate sometimes, uncontrolled at others, but ever present.

the rest of life is pretty normal. great and normal. or as my friend says, “regular”, as in “i'll have my eggs regular.” no epic fails has to be a good thing. i learned the hard way from the last experience and now place myself on the priority list...at the top, to be exact. the reality of life is not everyone can put you on their list all the time, nor them on their own list for that matter. but as long as i keep myself on my list, life feels right. that's where i have to be. i truly believe giving to ourselves enables us the wherewithal to give to others. how we can learn, grow and change, become better, be content with how far we've come and hopeful about where we need to be, and more importantly have the strength to get there. i know nothing of it all except that i want my biggest success in life to be service to Baha’u’llah, and therefore to humanity. i wish to always strive toward this purpose. it's the only thing worth living for. worth dying for. whatever beauty happens beyond that is purely icing on the cake.

31 january 1818

when i have fears that i may cease to be
before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
before high-piled books, in charactery,
hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
when i behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
and think that i may never live to trace
their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
and when i feel, fair creature of an hour,
that i shall never look upon thee more,
never have relish in the faery power
of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
of the wide world i stand alone, and think
till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

~ John Keats

(part three)

dear friend,
in the midst of confusion you are the rock of clarity,
and in my chaos you've made peace.
and dear, you're right. we tread the best path.
you are a sea of wisdom when my heart is weak.
and dear, i celebrate your strength.
moving through the oceans, once timid body,
you remind me of who we are.
and dear, your beauty is solid truth.
nights are long, and yet you embody warmth,
and dear, my soul is thankful.

...chases after me

got a love in my heart it's burning
gone for a while returning
the sun is coming up with bluer skies

got a weight off my chest the gift is
peace of mind and i'm lifted
time for getting out, it's been too long

i thought i found it in my shelter
i thought i found it in my dreams
in the midst of all the doubting
your love chases after me

it's the time of my life so i'm living
stand up and shout this feeling
walking down the city streets with neon lights

i don't know why i fought against it
i don't know why i wouldn't see
despite my walls and my fences
your love chases after me

thought i found it in my shelter
thought i found it in my dreams
in the midst of all the doubting
your love chases after me

i don't know why i fought against it
i don't know why i wouldn't see
despite my walls and my fences
your love chases after me
your love chases after me

~ Mindy Smith

(love is) the answer

"The essence of Bahá’u’lláh’s Teaching is all-embracing love, for love includeth every excellence of humankind. It causeth every soul to go forward. It bestoweth on each one, for a heritage, immortal life. Erelong shalt thou bear witness that His celestial Teachings, the very glory of reality itself, shall light up the skies of the world."

~‘Abdu’l-Bahá

(part two)

dear friend,
whilst downtrodden and hopeless i turned to you,
and in my darkness you made light.
and dear, you're right. we made it to the other side.
you are a breath of air when comfort is hard to find.
and dear, I thank you for you.
pushing through existence, once lonesome creature,
you remind me who you are.
and dear, your kindness feels gifting.
growth is slow, and yet you define composure,
and dear, your heart is within me.

happiness

...feels like melted chocolate on my lips. like vanilla-bean skies and sweet honey scents. like salty kisses in the summer. and cool rainy nights in May. like my grandmother's voice. my uncle playing guitar. like piano keys beneath my fingers. like lasting friendships. like lingering hugs. like losing weight. like a clean face. like fuzzy cats. and watercolor paintings. and trimmed nails. and especially like babies cooing. scented candles. and jasmine tea. and Persian food. and band rehearsal. and deserted tropical beaches. and Spanish. and chanted prayers. and prostrating in reverence. like defining moments. and life-saving moments. and captured moments. documented moments. memorized prayers. and journal pages. and songs written. and Mom and Dad and Josh and Suth and Andrea and Charles. and good news. and health. and days. and laughter that makes your belly ache and pee trickle down the leg. happiness feels like a full moon on the skin. cowboy boots and ankle bracelets. like crushes. and daydreams. and night dreams. and me. and everything in between and beyond.

believe when i say...

life is beautiful. every which way directions. same body. different State (TN). this soul has changed a bit. tests = growth = peace. feels alien to be back. like time stood still while i traveled at incalculable speeds through a neutron star. disoriented is understatement. i bliss in uncertainty. my parents worry about me. i accept that they don't know my strength. there are those who may question. they don't know my determination. i am aligned to my calling. True Reliance, as He speaks of. there is no greater feeling than to be blessed like this.

as i pursue my true path in this life, the thought had crossed my mind once or twice. who this true mr. right will be.

dear future husband/lover/service partner/best friend,
meet me somewhere where i will recognize you. remember my name. and shout it loud enough that i may hear even through cacophonous sounds. and burn a fire bright and tall so that my eyes will not seize to find you. reveal yourself. but not so soon that i won't be ready for you. and not so late that i will forget you.
love,
juliet

in the meanwhile, i move. my dreamy path is leading me toward my true purpose in this earthly plane of existence. i spread to anyone who might lend the attentive ear, what He has blessed me with. and as creating lends itself to melodious song and tone, i will sing these for you. play them for us. for the ears of lovers and haters. the happy and miserable. the warrior and the defeated. and they will know what is in my heart and they will know my love for them.

leather bound book

i've always disliked moving. the act of moving. packing bags. boxing up belongings. this move's going to be big one. it's my first move completely solo. all the other times i was accompanied for the ins and outs. a partner. now, i am solo. solitude. different indeed. took a full year to acclimate. this move signifies the end of a defining chapter of my life. when i write my life's story, i will title this one last chapter Learning. and those who know will know the extent of what that means. the next chapter Follow My Dreams is one that is in draft form. it is still writing itself. i feel the creative engine churning though as if ready to be unleashed. my next goal, to become less owner of things. should make for light travel in the future. clear the mind. unfortunately for now, i pack. i cannot throw out enough. give away enough.

blissful angst

music is running through me. pulsating. i'm changing from day to day. moment to moment. a real case, i suppose. makes it hard to focus the feelings long enough to produce. i need to produce music and it frustrates me that i'm at a roadblock. i psych myself out, wig out a bit. i stop. step back from the keys. put the guitar down and walk away. this has been the pattern the last week. nothing turns me on like lisztomania & fences by phoenix, the reeling & little secrets by passion pit and pull my heart away by jack peñate, especially. i've grown incredibly fond on the artist. the fellow musician. every atom of my being is moved to make it. sing it. write it. create it. play it. it is me and i am it.

sometimes when i'm driving i give the player a rest and turn the radio on. a second chance, i guess you could call it (the radio let me down last time. in actuality, it has let me down every time. clockwork. lame music, empty sound. and they call that hip-hop? they don't know what hip-hop is. or they forgot. or where collectively brainwashed by crap for music. at best, living under a rock). my ears quickly bleed. i turn the radio off. it's back to the unknown gems, mainstream radio's loss. my infinite gain.

i'm neglecting the keys in the next room. they know it. they feel bad. i feel bad that they feel bad. i want to make them happy. i want them to make me happy. if i can give radio a second chance, we can most certainly can give each other a second chance. let's try this again, shall we?

last page

so this is the last stretch. the last leg of this 10 yr. journey. it's a time of mixed emotions. on the one hand, there's resignation and contentment. hope and aspiration. on the other, pits in the stomach. sleepless nights. it seems so archaic for lawyers to decide what's best for two people they know nothing about. two people who know each other better than that. unanswered phone calls. unreplied texts. ends back and forth. is there no common ground? feels like there is no ground at all. or at best, like we're standing on two different grounds. in two different countries. two different worlds. two different universes. let's make peace. let's make white flags. let's finalize. let's close. oh that unity might be had in some form, in whatever peculiar ways we can create. fair minds are terrible things to waste. balance is a terrible thing to ignore. moderation is a terrible thing to disapprove. God is there no end to the uncertainty? this is the most excruciating thing i've ever gone through. no walk in the park. relief comes in the form of antacids and chocolate. how i have hoped it would come in the form of a nod. a gesture. an agreement. a resolution. a hand shake. the ride has just gotten bumpier. i buckle up and prepare, but nothing i have done in my life up until now can adequately prepare me for this unknown journey. these uncertainties. i am at a loss. i pray and turn it over to God.

“I adjure Thee by Thy might, O my God! Let no harm beset me in times of tests, and in moments of heedlessness guide my steps aright through Thine inspiration. Thou art God, potent art Thou to do what Thou desirest. No one can withstand Thy Will or thwart Thy Purpose.”

~ The Báb

“The musician’s art is among those arts worthy of the highest praise, and it moveth the hearts of all who grieve.”

~ ‛Abdu’l-Bahá

absurd little list

1. coffee or tea (coffee in the morning or else i must brace myself for a big headache that can very well span the entire day)
2. morning or night (the night season is when it all happens. creativity creeps in and my body, mind, soul come alive. i am a new being at night. i am more myself here than any other part of the day. i am romance and the night is my companion)
3. sweet or salty (solid befuddlement. i have an enormous sweet tooth. so much so that i force myself to eat salty food in the interest of sweet's enhancement. deliciously sickening)
4. postcards or emails (emails make me giddy. but postcards are my heart. nothing comes close to the words of a friend, a loved one, written in their own hand, with an image for vicarious daydreaming)
5. best childhood television program (fraggle rock. scared the shit out of me, but i was obsessed with it)
6. collector of... (magazines, photos, greeting cards and gifts. anything sentimental is hard for me to throw out)
7. choice superpower (invisibility. the idea of observing people in their uninhibited and personal environments without them knowing is fascinating to me. sounds a bit stalkerish, i know...lol )
8. first thought this morning (what's the absolute latest i can sleep before i'm late for work? slept right up until about 10 mins. before it was time for work! what can i say, when the body speaks, i listen)
9. last thought before reading this (i'm so bored, and i really should be sleeping or reading but need to do something tedious to feel productive)
10. objects in your pocket (front right pocket: folded CVS pharmacy receipt for eye drops (allergies acting up again). back right pocket: iphone)
11. objects on your night table (rememberance of God prayer book, iphone charger, lamp, photo of mom & dad, pen, journal)
12. time. elaborate. (passing, fleeting, like a train i've missed. i'm always conjuring up ways to save time, make time, hold time. most of the time i simply end up wasting time)
13. worst memory (the last big fight i had with my ex)
14. best movie (shawshank redemption)
15. bad habit (procrastination & chocolate eating)
16. best habit (empathizing)
17. greatest accomplishment (surviving)
18. 3 long-term goals (MFA, make great music...oh yeah, and meet mr. right and start a family)
19. celebrity crush (john mayer)
20. 1 thing you've changed this year (how i feel about my hair. finally embraced the curls and accepted the mane)
21. first thing you notice (body language. i find the way a person carries themselves to be particularly interesting. human observation is one of my greatest pastimes. i'll probably write a book on the subject one day)
22. clean or messy (i've grown leaps and bounds in this area in recent years. despite continuous efforts however, i'm still a tad on the messy side. although now it's contained to one area like a drawer, rather than the entire place. heaven help me when i have kids!!)
23. order or chaos (despite #22's answer, order order order. there has to be some order to my life because my head is already so chaotic)
24. greatest place to live (nyc)
25. 5 to-do-list items (vacuum carpets, catch up on emails, catch up on phone calls, look for title to my car for wednesday court date (have to show proof of registration to have citation dropped), finish laundry)
26. 1 regret (hurting loved ones)
27. thing you miss most about being a kid (making mud pies out in the backyard after rainfall)
28. thing you love most about not being a kid (wisdom)
29. best song of all time (hummingbird, seals & crofts)
30. best song of the moment (gravity, sara bareilles)
31. last book you enjoyed (girls of riyadh, rajaa alsanea)
32. last movie you enjoyed (pineapple express)
33. saturday nights or sunday afternoons (it's so soft, light, airy, quiet, still)
34. hidden talent (reading people)
35. favorite food (ghormeh sabzi)
36. fav place in the house (by the window)
37. favorite person to talk to (andrea. she gets me. all of me. knows all the nuances)
38. re-occurring thought (find/give love)
39. wall color (strawberry yogurt. an experimental color for wall #1. it's revolting and nauseating and i haven't had time to paint it back to it's original color)
40. photos or paintings (particularly peoples faces. portraits. memories. old times. i'm a sucker for nostalgia)

2°

we used to joke that the kevin bacon 6 degrees of separation theory was ridiculous and overindulgent, but it's not only true now, it's way closer. the world is simply smaller. as the universe expands, our world grows more and more tiny by the day. the minute. the second. the post. the tweet. too small? two degrees makes me wonder. makes me think. maybe we'll try outer space next? the great expanding unexplored. little beings on other planets waiting to be connected to kevin bacon by amplitudes and proportions. had i known just how many degrees separated us, perhaps i might not have been so telling. you are now in my head though. isn't that more like one degree? if this were last year, i never would've shared anything. you never would've known me. i would've made certain of that. i would've danced around subjects. told you only what i thought was relevant, if anything. put up the impenetrable force field. but i've shed the lead apron now. life is in motion. it is a plan. there is an order. it can be written. life. who we meet. when we meet them. i will try and convince myself it is coincidence but, the more i pretend i'm not interested in what you think, what you write, the more degrees i unintentionally chip away. the more you're in my head. it's not a bad thing. a little disruptive, but i'm quite fond of the unhinging. the bottomless ocean. the wellspring of information. the text-book-i'd-rather-enjoy-reading part of your head.

8,873.32 miles away

you don't want to meet new people. it's too much work. too much explaining involved. too much effort. you stick with what you know. who you know. perhaps that is all you really need. perhaps only one person who gets you. just one other person to be a witness to your life. to know you've existed. you've been noted. documented. if you don't show yourself how can we find you? where can we find you? perhaps you think we won't understand you. won't get it right. too much history. too many inside jokes. “you're late”, you say. you've missed the boat...or just arrived, depending on how you look at it. too many unknowns. how exhausting to make everything known. where would you start? too much baggage. too many unknowns. there is no beginning to a life that has always been. “how can one trace their memories back to their first conscious thought?”, you ask. how do you pass that on? where's the starting point? you believe all you'll ever need is tucked inside your head. confined within the limits of the mind. and were that Truth, how then could unity be attained? were we not created for this great destiny? instinctually bound to this great law of inevitability? we are never alone. no cliche. it simply is. how can we find you if you fall off? no need to lock yourself in that prison. be open. be open. be open.